Light One Candle: Let’s Be Civil

Let’s Be Civil

by Stephanie Raha, Editor-in-Chief of The Christophers

June 21, 2010

Is civility too old-fashioned for the 21st century? Are good manners out of date?

Of course not. Now is exactly when we need to adopt the thoughtful behavior that Mom tried to teach us, even though we pretended not to hear. Today, there are almost seven billion people on this earth of ours; more than 310 million in the United States alone. Living on top of one another the way we do, we need to make all our lives run a little more smoothly together – and not merely focus on ourselves.

“We are more and more concerned with our own pursuit of personal goals,” says Pier Forni, founder of The Civility Initiative at Johns Hopkins University. “As we engage in a mad rush for the attainment of our personal goals, we don’t seem to have the time or see the point of slowing down for the purpose of being kind to others.”

When you mention manners to most people, they tend to think of everyday forms of etiquette, such as holding a door open for someone or shaking hands with a person to whom you’ve just been introduced. That’s only part of it, but kindness, respect and consideration make up the essence of courtesy. And, generally speaking, the more civil you are to others, the more they will respond in kind. That being said, you can’t count on a courtesy quid pro quo. Still, when you rein in your own temper and other bad behavior, the likelier you are to bring out the best in others – and to feel better about yourself.

That’s what Holly Robinson of Massachusetts discovered. Recently she wrote in Ladies Home Journal about what she called her “politeness project.”  After a particularly aggravating day, when one person after another seemed determined to either ignore her or walk all over her, Robinson said she thought about her grandmother, who insisted that “You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” That’s when she decided to spend a full week attempting to “disarm with charm” everyone who forgot their manners around her.     

She started by asking a grumpy clerk at the post office about the photos of a dog taped to the wall next to her. In reply, Robinson learned that the pooch had been rescued from Hurricane Katrina – and got a big smile from the clerk. And so it went through the week. She remained polite to a mechanic when he admitted he hadn’t even started to fix her car after it had been promised to her. She sympathized with a coworker who was upset that nobody had read his report. She thanked a telemarketer who called at dinnertime for raising funds for an important cause. Not only did Robinson surprise other people with her graciousness, but they often imitated her and reciprocated.

In each case, it was clear that Holly Robinson made an effort to see the other folks as unique individuals and to treat them with all the kindness and respect she would have wanted for herself. She probably brightened their day. She certainly improved her own outlook.

The number of people living on God’s Good Earth will only increase, so we might as well get along. Let’s start by realizing that the Golden Rule isn’t out of date after all: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

(This essay is this week's "Light One Candle" column, written by Stephanie Raha, Editor-in-Chief of The Christophers; it is one of a series of weekly columns that deal with a variety of topics and current events.)